things that i think about...
sorry, i know it's kind of messy in here...
- i'm just going to throw up some words here.
- last night, my friend told me that i shouldn't drink. he said that he didn't want to encourage a bad habit and that i should just slow down. i agreed, even though it sucked. i've been drinking every day for weeks. my acquantances were all suprised when i told them i wasn't drinking with them. it sucked even more, honestly.
- a few days ago, another friend and i accidentally thought of one of the best ideas i've ever heard of: the "BAD-NUT", aka: the "breakfast-all-day" doughnut. essentially, it's like a jelly-filled doughnut, but it's a little bigger and filled with breakfast items of your choice. hell yeah, right?
- lately, i've been having some really intense thought-loops (thought loops are similar intrusive thoughts that layer over-and-over each other, by the way) about my friends/acquantances/associates secretly hating me and how my life feels like it's steadily and constantly spiraling out of control.
- at the beginning of the night (last night), the moon looked bigger and closer to the ground and orange-coloured. later on, somehow it ended up looking how it's always looked. i'm not sure when it happened, but it was really beautiful before.
- i've been thinking a lot about what scares me, because i always seem to be scared. i came to the conclusion that i'm scared of permanence. i'm not sure why. i guess i just feel that if i keep anyone in my life long enough, eventually they will become disappointed in me -- which i'm also afraid of.
- i've also been thinking a lot about what love is. i'm worried that i might not even know what it really is.
"he promises a safe landing, but not a calm voyage..."
- i fucking hate my job. every second that i'm there, i just want to scream. if i could leave, i would. but you wanna know something real? even though i really hate what i do, i love that i'm doing it. i love that despite it feeling like the weight of it all is trying to push me down and out the door, i just push right back and stay inside. i love that i continue to do what i have to do to make it work.
- it sucks, don't get me wrong, but i'm proud of myself. i know that i won't ever get a job that i don't hate without working in one that i do right now. and that's fine. i can work with that.
listen to these great alex g/skin cells songs:
- dear _____, i want to preface this by saying that although i hope that you will take something from this, it is for me more than it is for you. i need to say it because if i don't, i think it could kill me. even though you have been gone for years, you continue to exist in my life through my thoughts, fears, and dreams. it took me such a long time to understand that the life i was made to live as a child was not right. even though i know this, i still struggle every day to abandon the fears that i was conditioned to have when i was younger. i have always had a difficult time understanding why or how someone could do this to another person, let alone their own child. do you know what it's like to grow up feeling like nobody will ever love you because even ______ never did? maybe it's easier for you keep it out of your mind because you don't have to suffer through the damage you've caused. you gave all of the shame you could ever feel to _____. you can ask your "god" for forgiveness — and maybe they will give it to you. but will you ever ask us for it? do you think we would ever give it to you? if i could, i think i would, but i don't think that i can. that may seem like a cruel thing to say, but it's only the truth. did you know that _____ has cried over you often? she hurts over you and she doesn't even know who you are, really. did you know that _____ asks questions about you all the time? he wonders why you aren't in his life and if you love him. do you know how difficult those questions are to answer and how difficult that thought is to bear with? when you left us behind, _____ still had to work, you know? i can recall countless summer nights with no AC -- holding _____ as he cried up until 4 AM, running my hands through his sweaty hair and singing him to sleep, bottle-feeding him and changing his diapers. as soon as he fell asleep, i'd just lay there and cry. i was 12 years old. a few days ago, i saw the comment you left under my video, "i pray for you... i really do..." i hope you know that i never needed a prayer from you. all this time, i only ever wanted you to hear me and to know who i am. you had so much time to prove that your words meant something, and i waited, thinking that maybe you would finally see what you did and do something about it. instead, you chose to pretend like we were taken from you. do you not realize that you left? of course you don't. i was robbed of a lot of things as a child. those are things that i will never get back. i don't expect or even want an apology. anything you may have to say to me means nothing, so there is no point in you even responding. i've accepted that i will never receive the love that i needed from you, and i have learned to find it in other places. realistically, there will probably always be a small part of me that yearns for it -- the part of me that is that scared, lonely, and confused little boy -- but i know now that no part of me truly ever needed it. i hope, more than anything, that you understand what you've done. you've left things broken inside of the people who only ever wanted to love and be loved by you. you may have been the victim at one point in your life, i understand that, but you cannot continue to play that role when you gave it away a long time ago. please know that I don't hate you. i hate what you've done, i hate that you've hurt me, and most of all, i hate that you've hurt the people i love. i can learn to cope with what you've done to me, but i don't think i will ever be able to forget about all the tears i've seen _____ shed over you. at the end of the day, you will probably twist this into whatever narrative you deem is fit. i can only hope that you understand, but i don't expect you to. again, this isn't for you. this is for me. -_____.
- deep down, there are things that i just still can't say. there are so many memories looming around in my head that haunt me. when i think about it, i can never fully believe that i was the one who lived through it all. i can never fully believe that i am continuing to live through it every day. i will probably continue to live through it until the world decides to spiral out. i wish i could will it to spill out of me, even though i know that it won't change anything. i can't stop asking, "why?" -- and i wish i could because there is no reason.
- i don't have very many words of my own to share today.
- i'm getting tired of holding this pose.
- i've been preoccupied with the "whys" of life for so long that i never realized that they don't matter. and now that i know that, i feel like all the questions i've been asking myself all this time were just a waste of time. i don't think i will ever have those questions answered in a world that doesn't care to even hear them out. it may seem like nothing to everyone else, but it's everything. knowing means so much to me that it hurts. it's the only thing that has concerned or interested me in any way -- and for what? because really, all i will ever know is that i can't ever truly know a damn thing. that is the closest to an answer that i will ever get to my mysteries. i have grown tired of searching for anything more. i have grown tired of feeling bound by language that can't convey the things that are stirring around in my head.
- earlier in the night, i had an argument with someone close to me. i ended up leaving. i just ran out of the house and down the street. i took random turns: a left, a left, a right, a left, etc. until i just didn't know where i was. he called my phone and i couldn't answer. i just had to keep running far, far away. i felt like i couldn't breathe. anxiety? asthma? i didn't know. but i started to think that i could just keep running these streets forever -- that it could be one in the morning for all eternity for all i care. but now it's five, and i'm sitting at the computer and i know i will have to apologize to my friend. i wish i could've stayed.
- i always wish i could've stayed in the places where it was quiet and dark, and i was all alone. it always feels safer. like that is the closest i could get to disappearing without actually doing it. sometimes i wish i could really do it. i think about it a lot. i don't want to hurt the people who love me, and i know it would. sometimes i wish they didn't. sometimes i wish they hated me so it would be easier. because sometimes, i believe that it's truly just a matter of time before it happens. i don't think i will be able to live like this forever.
- it's been a while. what's new? i got a new job that i've been working at for about a month now. i've made new friends there. money isn't as tight as it used to be. i've been on testosterone via hormone replacement therapy for nine months and i've lived in my new home for four months now. in may, i threw my first birthday party. i wasn't expecting so many people to show up. it's weird being an adult. i never really thought i'd make it past eighteen, but here i am. i may not be a very happy person (i don't know if i ever will be), but i am grateful.
- i dropped acid with two very good friends a few days ago. i always hate coming down. it makes me so sad. i never want it to end. when i'm tripping, it's like everything just makes sense. i know that sounds silly, because if you've tripped before then you know that it makes you feel like nothing makes sense. but i don't know. i guess it's true that nothing makes sense, but the fact that nothing makes sense makes sense. and it all feels okay. a cigarette and a friend becomes enough. i don't know.
- my friends say that i say "i don't know" too much.
- this is random, i know, but i created a ranking-list-system-thing to rank some of my favourite (and least favourite) beach house tracks. enjoy. :-)
- i use other peoples' words to describe the ones that i can't articulate myself. i am a flawed being. i wish that i could form the words that i see continuously layering over each other in my head. for nothing at all, it all feels like too much. i am afraid that a body should not feel this way. i don't think anyone else could understand this curse. i want to be free from it.
- i've been reading through tao te ching today. i thought i'd share a passage that i particularly enjoy / resonate with:
- i joke a lot about the fact that if i were to die, i'd probably be at work. i think it's because a huge part of me is actually really scared of that.i want to continue making music. i want to create so many new things. i want to see things i've never seen before and feel things i've never felt before. i hate that the world looks so ugly to me every day when i know that it could be beautiful through a different set of eyes. i don't want to work just to live and live just to die. i tell myself that this life has to mean more than that, but it doesn't have to. and i wish i could accept that maybe things don't have to mean anything--that things are just things. instead, i feel a huge disconnect in between myself and the world around me. a bigger disconnect between myself and myself. i try to gather up all of these things and put them into something beautiful like a song but i just can't. it's always words layered over words on top of more words on a white sheet of paper, layered until the paper is black. i'm afraid that nothing is real, or that if it is real, it doesn't mean anything. i don't understand why that scares me so much when nobody else seems to notice or mind. i'm scared of all the people i could be and all of the people that i'm not and who i am right now and how i shouldn't even be afraid of things that are just things. i'm scared because i think i know all of these things but i really probably know nothing at all.
- i was reading about the differences between absurdism, nihilism, and existentialism, and how people typically move forward with their lives after adapting those types of philosophies, when i stumbled upon this:
- i've read it over and over again, and i can't stop thinking about it. i think i know where i am and where i will end up.
(more entries coming soon)